Homeless In Disguise

creatingaquietmind:

(by -silh0uettes)

Planning to check out…this is not a bad way to go. 

I watched Seven Pounds last night at around 3am. Ironically, I stumbled across it as I was looking for a way to occupy my mind and get away from the suicidal thoughts that were promoting insomnia; a great flick but did more to encourage my feelings and thoughts of suicide than dissuading them. 

I am totally engulfed in blue right now…I knew it was coming but it feel just as nauseous, sore and deflating as if it were a fresh new experience. Actually, that is not accurate, it feels like a life hangover and for those of us that have been professional boozers every hangover is the worst hangover…I would say that analogy is more fitting to what I am experiencing. 

Any way…I was watching that movie and all I could think to myself was, “start making a list.” I have always been a decent person in that I am always about helping others and pride myself on the fact that I am able to put others before myself in almost every aspect of my life. I am ‘all in’ when it comes to lending a hand and doing whatever it takes to help someone - anyone. Maybe this is the way to make the ultimate contribution before performing the ultimate act of selfishness. 

For the past four years I have literally dedicated my entire life to helping others and trying to generate positive, life changing and worthwhile differences. The only reason I am still in existence and not a crime scene clean up in that Nashville hotel room was that I received a text that invited me here to help. I held off from doing the deed so I could help structure a company focused on making a difference and becoming a champion of the community. This was going to be my last effort and hopefully one that had a lasting impact and something to be remembered for other than a rockstar become fuck up.  So now I am in the same state of mind that I was as I sat there in that seedy room contemplating pills or guns. 

I am looking at everyone I know and wondering, “What could I give to that person?” Considering that I am Homeless In Disguise the only real gift I can offer is myself - literally. 

Something that I am giving serious consideration to. I will say one thing…as I sit here at my computer staring out the window at the homeless people across the street, the ones that actually live on the cold concrete, all hope drank away eons ago…it makes me look at them in a different way. What could I give those people that would change their lives forever?

Next Stop - BummerLand

I finally hit the wall. I thought I could ‘fake it till I make it’ and although I have been fooling the masses, I just can’t fool myself. I could not get out of bed today and didn’t even have the energy to call in sick today…I have just been staring at my phone as the texts and calls keep coming in; people wondering where I am and why I am incommunicado.

I have literally dozens of meetings that I am missing, managers and clients are screaming for my help, I have a workload that would choke the average mid-level manager and project deadlines that are ominously approaching - even though I am painfully aware of all my obligations and should be thankful for the opportunities all things considered, I continue to hide under my covers pretending the world doesn’t exist. 

This is no bueno! I know this feeling all too well and am lucid enough to recognize where I am headed which is a severe state of depression - Bummerland. I have been here many times before but have avoided a return trip for some time now. My chest is so tight, my muscles are spasm’ing, I feel the sensation of crying but stoic in appearance. On the surface all looks normal and I will just use the line, “Just tired, need to recharge the batteries” when people ask why I am not myself or barrage me with the “what’s wrong” lines. Inside however, I am experiencing tortuous sadness, battling all kinds of personal demons, crippled with angst and experiencing a melancholy of suicidal intensity. 

Today and I will likely sleep away the day, that is my coping mechanism…if I am sleeping the world and my universe of problems are not reality. Not sure how the rest of the week will unfold, I know that I will not be able to hide for too long here, even missing today is causing utter chaos with our clients and all the people that are relying on me to perform. Ironic…it’s that kind of pressure that causes most people to crack but for me that is what keeps me from cracking. A perverse sense of loyalty and duty to others that keeps me showing up. A fear of disappointing someone or letting someone down is what prods me to action. Wish I could manifest that same level of commitment to myself. 

Time for a nap as I am really starting to feel the blues and self-hate starting to well up inside. Off to dream land for the rest of the day/night. 

I can’t determine if my life these days is a series of ironic moments or just a succession of awkward events. 

This week my new boss has been doing nothing but pumping up my tires to everyone he meets and all the boys in our office.  One of clients the other day invited me to their company management meeting (25 managers in attendance) placed me up on a pedestal and selling the group on what an authority and expert in the industry I am. Today I am headed out on an R&D road trip with a colleague of mine…he wants me to come assess a hotel/restaurant/bar property that has been offered to him and said he will not do the deal until I have done a site view and can advise him. 

So how awkward do you think I feel right now? I live in fear daily that my boss will find out I am a fugitive and bust, my client is touting me as the champion of the trade yet I went down in a ball of flames on my last two ventures and if I didn’t ‘negotiate’ the expenses for the weekend in exchange for my sage advice I won’t not be able to afford the gas to get there. 

Don’t get me wrong…I definitely feel confident in what I know and genuinely believe that I am making significant and positive contributions; as far as the outside world is concerned I am the hospitality wonderboy…it’s just so awkward to be the face of success and then I go home at night to sleep on a mattress on the floor. 

I am still in the fight though and plugging away. At a minimum at least I am getting to do what I love and am passionate about. As they say it could always be worse…at least I am not trapped in a cubicle playing the 9 to 5 grind. It’s all got to come around eventually. Doesn’t it?

Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me

Whoah Nelly!

I just suffered the first real panic attack in my life today. Of course a neurotic fuck like me has experienced every form of anxiety, self-doubt, paranoia and social disorder that is listed in the Psychiatric DSM but for the most part its just me being a hypochondriac. Today, however, for no reason whatsoever I felt the real deal; sweaty palms, blurry vision, chest pains, shortness in breath and general confusion. So much so I just excused myself from the friendly pow-wow that I was engaged with my boss and co-workers and had to have a 20 minute timeout sitting in a bathroom stall performing the ‘woosah’ ear tugs in efforts to get my shit together. 

I have no idea what caused it…all was going fine for the day! No stress, no arguments, no issues but just an engulfing feeling like something was wrong, that someone was disappointed in me, that I was about to face a firing squad. WTF!

I never want to experience that again. I hope it was something I ate cause I surely don’t want that affliction to all of a sudden be in my inventory of “what’s fucked about me”.

Wooosah, wooosah, wooosah. 

I was snapping my fingers all day - no invisibility. WTF!

That was definitely a Monday with an extra case of the Mondays. I actually woke up and was in good spirits, ready to tackle the day but as always, I was on the other end of the vibrational spectrum than everyone else around me. 

It was tension central at my main office so I decided to hit our client’s offices (which I spend 1/2 my time hiding at) but it was a black and blue day in that setting; everyone was being so abusive to each other bruises were manifesting.When in doubt…run! I made a quick retreat back to home base, stuffed my ears with Ipod buds and snapped my fingers - Shazam! As far as I was concerned I was invisible. Wasn’t that the trick that Bert always used when things would get a little hairy?

Well I don’t think I fooled anybody today in that regard but it was a self-coping mechanism that at least made me chuckle to myself all day helping to stave off a serious case of Monday depressions. Didn’t Bert end up losing his marbles in the end though? Better not get too comfortable with that tactic. 

Snap! Snap!

Sunday Funday has become Sunday Stressday!

When you work in the hospitality industry Sundays always equaled Fundays…in our business it’s our Friday. A day to blow off steam, share war stories, laugh and purge all the crap from the workweek. Sundays was the day to get trashed, bond with colleagues and then Mondays were the chill day. 

Now that I am riding both sides of the fence with my new job Sunday’s have become stress days. I am burned out from work week, the weekend of drinking with my boss, our clients etc. and then Sunday night I break out in sweats and experience heart palpitations with the fear of the upcoming week. Another week of hoping I can continue to maintain the facade, another week worrying about the police coming to my workplace, another week of working myself to the bone in hopes that I will be able to crawl my way back to the top. 

I miss Sunday Fundays! Well I am in the States so perhaps the new answer to Sunday night fright nights is Paxil. Oh right…I don’t have medical insurance so scratch that notion. 

1 Day Forward, 2 Stairwells Back

So I got one whole day under my belt of my 30 Day Challenge in getting life back on track. 1 whole day then yet another obstacle to overcome. It’s almost comical really…as soon as I create the intention to be positive, tackle all fears head on and just be determined to ‘make it happen’, life with its dark sense of humor decides to test me yet again. 

The other day I finally moved forward in dealing with my medical bills (a nice 5k kick in the groin), sign up for a gym membership, bite the bullet and purchase a couple pieces of clothing, sign on to spearhead a bunch of projects (re: my new addiction); in general had the right attitude and was forcing myself to move in the right direction with the right outlook.

Come home from work after a 16 hour day, a productive day, and then on the way home started to break out in sweats and was just feeling lethargic. As I labor my way up to the 5th floor of my apt. my knees give out and I end up doing the Super Dave Osborne tumble backwards down almost two flights of stairs. 

In addition to running out of medication and having another attack (that weakens my joints), I was also blessed enough to pick up the flu that has been making its way through our client’s offices. 

Just as I get momentum I spend the next three days in bed nursing bruises, swollen joints and enjoying full on sweats - awesomesauce!

I am starting to feel human again today so back at it tomorrow and now I have the weekend to look forward to in catching up on what I have fallen behind on workwise. 

What can you do but laugh?